Je suis une rebelle

1 Peter 2:13-16
Be subject for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God.

I am a rebel. To my earliest memory I have rebelled. Against my mother, my teachers, rules, the government and my God. Against them all I rebelled.

In my separation from God I rebelled. When the Spirit awakened my knowledge of God's grace how could I resist the call? Even so, I eventually rebelled against His will and against His commands. When I fled from God's presence I was clearly in a full state of rebellion...clearly.

As I said, I have rebelled in every sense possible my entire life. My mother and ma grand-mère said I was strong-willed - would argue with a brick wall. They were right. "Oh, that is how it is 'supposed' to be done?" I'd ask. Then I would turn and do the exact opposite - my own way, just to "see" what would happen. I constantly tested the boundaries....beyond the "normal" behavior of children, this carried on well into my adult life.

More often than not, I found myself in predicaments that, had I followed instructions, I would have never encountered. Time and time again.

Oh the foolishness of my ways!

Proverbs 26:11 Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool that returns to his folly.

Boy was I an idiot! I have always known that I could not seek righteousness without submitting to God; Known it through and through. Despite that knowledge, I rejected instruction - EVERY instruction, EVERY single time. I sought my own justice, through the narrow lens of my experience. I couldn't understand why my life was so hard! Ha. Ha. Ha!

Psalm 68:16
God settles the solitary in a home; he leads out the prisoners to prosperity, but the rebellious dwell in a parched land.

I had been wandering a desert of frustration, pain and blame for decades. My anger intensified. I found myself hating every man I had ever known: my father for leaving before I could ever meet him; my step-father(s) for their verbal and physical abuses; my first love for not figuring it out before it was too late; my ex"husband" for belittling me and not being everything I "needed" in a man; and worst of all? I hated my Heavenly Father for not protecting me from the endless hurts and disappointments.

Romans 8:7
For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot.

How could I have hated one who has always - and will always - love me? Loved me despite my rejection of Him, despite my limitless faults, despite my defiance, despite my sin? I knowingly subjected myself to lies and half truths and somehow it was His fault? What an ignorant fool! I don't deserve His love or forgiveness and I praise Him daily for gracing me with mercy and love.

The Spirit moved me again to humble myself before the Lord and beg for His forgiveness. In my weak and miserable human mind, I just knew my independent (rebellious) nature would cause an intense spiritual struggle, unlike any I had ever faced. I prayed for peace. I prayed for help. I prayed that the Lord lift the bondage of anger and resentment that had held me for so long.

I never thought to pray for God to assist me in submitting myself fully to Him. I don't know why it didn't occur to me. Praise HIM for knowing my needs, even when I did not. What is so obvious to me now, I was oblivious to in the beginning of my renewed walk.

Proverbs 16:32-33
Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence. The fear of the LORD is instruction in wisdom, and humility comes before honor.

I read scripture upon scripture telling me that I must submit to the Lord in all ways, and found myself doing just that. No argument. No hesitation. I am constantly amazed by our most Holy God. He surprises me at every turn and knows my needs long before I could imagine anticipating them. I have found myself, through Christ, passionately, willingly, humbly and completely offering myself to the Lord in ways that, a year ago, I would have found outrageous. The battle for my submission was won long before I even recognized that the war was going on!!

More good news is that even when I was not seeking the Lord, he never, ever left me. He allowed me to make those choices so that when I returned to him, I would be ready to submit fully to him. The suffering - I hesitate to even call it suffering, when compared to the pain that Christ bore for me - that I endured prepared me, molded me and shaped me for His work. The removal of my obstinate, defiant and willful nature was an easy task for him!

I'm by no means perfect, but I am filled with hope in Christ that I will someday satisfy the Lord's requirement of submission. The most Holy God has molded me into this pliable, joyfully submissive person and I live gratefully in a state of grace and forgiveness, Praise God!